A World On The Brink– Part 2 [excerpted from Chapter 1 of America in Therapy]

In a nutshell, as a psychotherapist, I seek to understand why, with all the horrors of World War II in particular, we have not figured out that our most urgent investment should be in how to get along with each other. Partisanship has drowned out partnership, and it is tearing us apart from the inside out. The New York Times recently reported as the 2022 midterm elections approached that individual families all over America were torn apart by politics. The article cited one family was made up of a Republican, a Libertarian, and two Democrats. One of them moved into a hotel to weather the elections by herself because of the extreme divisiveness at home. Another family member said, “I do consider . . . the political atmosphere in the house to be the biggest contributor to my mental health problems.” The Times went on to say that this story is now ordinary in America, that in many families, the subject of politics has strained marriages and divided parents and children, and that since Donald Trump left office, politics are increasingly fueled by misinformation and hostile partisanship, which have pushed families to the breaking point.

And yet, our families are the foundation of life for most of us. The emotional and mental conditions we are raised in have everything to do with our well-being and our future functioning in the world.

I don’t believe these great divisions between us are really the truth of who we are or who we want to be. As a psychotherapist, I have a completely different lens on conflict and the ways people become alienated from one another. The whole field of psychology and psychotherapy is designed to address and heal the wars we are waging in our personal lives—the ongoing internal battles we have with ourselves and all the wars, large and small, with our partners, children, friends, those we work with, and others in our immediate circles.

This is the key! I tell America. Psychology today is an oasis in the desert that we have been ignoring as if we don’t see the trees right in front of us. 

It is designed to restore us to peace, love, and cooperation and help us develop the tools we need to return to safety and connection when we disagree. People come to therapy because they are aching to get out of the conflicts and stuck places in their lives and, most often, in their relationships as well. My rally cry is that we allow ourselves to feel the pain of all the wars we are in at home and around the world and come to therapy as a nation and afford ourselves of all the benefits psychology has to offer us—before it is too late!

Psychology is not an exact science. We are complicated beings with countless variables that contribute to our feelings, beliefs, and behaviors in any given moment. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to any question about why we humans do what we do, but the best psychotherapy helps us uncover the causes of our pain and dysfunction, heal from its worst effects, and opens the possibility of new ways of being that are more relational and life-giving. And it teaches us how to come back to connection when we are triggered into old self-sabotaging behaviors and power struggles. It is highly unlikely that conflict will disappear. It is as much in the nature of human beings to disagree, get angry, and want to dominate as it is that we long to come together, feel love and belonging, and cooperate for our mutual welfare. Psychology offers the skills and the hope for us to come back together before more serious harm is done.

In all my years of being a psychotherapist, there is not one healing technique I have ever learned that advocates more hatred and violence as a solution to our personal problems. And I have never met one person who wanted more conflict, more disconnection, and hatred in their lives. There is not a single person I have worked with or know, for that matter, who does not want more love, belonging, and peace. We suffer in proportion to the ways love and all its beautiful side effects have been missing, lost, betrayed, and violated by other people. 

Yet, as a nation, we have not even factored love and connection into our political agenda!

“On the path to peace, we will close the gap between Love and Politics”