The Duality of God and Me
As I write Book II in The Road Home Series, I am struck by the unfathomable intelligence of what was shared with me. I received information unlike anything I had ever heard before. I saw and felt into areas of consciousness beyond anything I could have conceived of. All the concepts and understandings I was given were inter-related. One grew out of another in a way I could not possibly have dreamed up myself, and all of them carried a vibration that reverberated through my mind, heart and body all at once.
I am reflecting on that now as I write Book II because I have actually never before studied so intensively the wisdom and knowledge that was given to me or applied what I was taught so regularly. I was reading about my experience of Revelation– such an enormous word and yet that was the experience. I saw the beginnings of what I call a luminous substructure– like a skeleton made up of different aspects of consciousness and laws of functioning—around which our human form and the evolution of our consciousness has been fleshed out over time. I saw it, I felt it, and it impressed itself on my ordinary consciousness and changed the eyes through which I see the world and myself indelibly.
I have always been struck by the profound difference between the Divine consciousness that entered my heart and my brain on the one hand, and very the ordinary consciousness of Phyllis Leavitt on the other. And as I write Book II, this contrast is even more noticeable. There is nothing out of the ordinary about Phyllis Leavitt. I’m really no different than anyone else. I have my moments of irritation, insecurity, and pettiness as well as my moments of love, gratitude and inspiration. I’d be the first one to tell you I can still be triggered into an old wound, and at the same time, because I’ve gone so deeply in the underworld of myself and because it was there that I found the doorway to my Soul, I know the value of making that descent consciously now, and I do the very best I can to transform the density of my ordinary ego consciousness into a smattering of Light.
Here I am today putting together a writing of Wisdom and Love that clearly does not belong to Phyllis Leavitt but more or less came to her and through her, and it seems to be a life task to put that out into the world. And so I find myself at an odd juncture where I could be perceived as a “teacher” of sorts. Certainly I have a lot to share. But I am a student of all that was given to me. There is no other possible way for me to see myself. I will always be learning how to apply what I am being taught, and always learning more as I go.
In my role as a psychotherapist, I have no difficulty sharing the psychological insights and approaches to healing that I have learned and experienced myself. I never thought I had to be all “healed” in order to help others move into and through the tangled undergrowth of their psyches. I worked on myself and learned as I went.
Why is it so challenging then, to talk of an experience of God and Soul, of spiritual psychology, as opposed to talking about traditional psychology? Why is it easy to talk about the “substructures” of our psychological makeup—early childhood conditioning, family systems theory, intra- and inter- personal psychological dynamics—but so difficult to say I saw a whole other substructure of our human existence AND that I have seen how critical this understanding is to our ultimate survival as a race?
In my writing it says, The more you understand the laws of your universe, the more you will be able to become a conscious participant in your Return to Oneness. It has certainly been true that the more I have understood my psychological makeup, the more I have been able to participate in my “healing” on that level. Why should I feel afraid to say I have been given an understanding of how we work on a Soul level so that we can participate consciously in Return to the Source?
I think it’s because we—or I should say I—I still don’t fully know how to put my ordinary-ness together with the experiences of God and Soul that lie within that very ordinary-ness and “light it up.” That’s one of the many the challenges I face in writing my books. That’s one of the many challenges I face every day waking up into my ordinary Phyllis self—to love myself just as I am and open the door again and again to the Divinity within all that I am. I have been so deeply conditioned to believe that God and I are separate, even with all the miraculous ways God and Soul have joined with me, that I guess it only makes sense that on the Road Home I am faced with to putting this greatest of Dualities back together. I’m not there yet: I’m learning as I go.