Reclaiming Desecrated Land

Sometimes it seems utterly absurd, foolish even, to be talking about love, peace, safety, and the tools for reconciliation in a world that seems increasingly focused on hatred, divisiveness and violence. There are days when I fear my posts sound foolish and out of touch in the midst of such bold-faced, public displays of cruelty. Or am I just preaching to the choir?

By way of contrast, last night we went next door to the loveliest gathering of neighbors and friends. Everyone brought food, children ran around waving little solar lamps, adults of all ages introduced themselves with genuine desire to get to know those they had not met before, and we all talked without friction or animosity about our families, careers, successes, challenges, and even politics.

We shared the simple joy of building community.

I think that is actually what all people everywhere want. To belong, to be seen, to be safe, and to feel received by others. And even in the midst of such raging inhumanity, I believe there are more people than we will ever hear about in the news who are building community the very best they can wherever they are.

Years as a psychotherapist have taught me that when people are deprived of safe belonging, they will often go wherever it is offered, even if that place is toxic, even if it is deadly. Some will gravitate to the bully on the playground, a gang, a cult, an extremist organization, to any individual or group that gets its power from maligning and attacking the vulnerability in others that they themselves are too afraid to feel.

In the field of psychology we understand the pain behind the armor, the fear and rage behind the targeting of defenseless “others.” Every day we deal with the reality of what injured mental health looks like and how it manifests as intolerance, extreme judgment, and harm to self and others. This is what we address and what we do our very best to help heal.

This is the language I speak and it is a critical part of the lens through which I have learned to understand human behavior.

And I know it is anything but foolish, naive or out of touch with reality.

I think of the client I had who was so horrifically abused she could not tolerate hearing the word love. Not surprisingly, she was a rager, and her target was always the most vulnerable person in the room. It wasn’t until she had done years of healing work that she could hear, speak and feel love, rein in her rage, and connect to the precious being she always was.

She reclaimed her magnificent self the way an environmentalist might reclaim a desecrated piece of land, and it was, in fact, one of the greatest honors of my life to speak love to her until she could take it in and embody it herself.

So the next time I find myself feeling foolish because I talk about love and safety so often, I will remember her, and I will remember that our neighborhood gathering, with its spirit of goodwill, inclusion and generosity, is both normal and essential for human beings. It creates a foundation of connection that we will need when a problem arises or we don’t see eye to eye.

I will remember that no matter how many people ridicule love, it is what we all want and need more than anything, and that none of us should feel foolish for saying so.